Selections from the “Speed Rabbit Pizza” menu

(Actual French pizza chain)
(Note: Only ingredients have been translated. The names of the pizzas/salads have been copied exactly as they appeared in the menu I found in my dorm mailbox. “Speed Rabbit Pizza” is also their exact name; I have not translated it. I have a feeling it’s an intelligent allusion to the famous “Lapin Agile,” but the strange English takes away from that. I mean really, “Speed Rabbit”? Only Japanese cartoons can get away with that kind of mixed-up adjective.)

Crazy Bun’s

Pizza soufflée: tomato sauce, mozzarella-cheddar, ham, egg yolk, mushrooms, chopped bacon

(I like to think that the apostrophe was deliberate – and that “Crazy Bun” was the creator’s prison name. Or maybe he was a member of a gang, but he saw the light and decided to try an honest job, and he opened up his own pizza joint. And this is his signature pizza. But something tells me that there is a porno with this exact title, apostrophe and all)

Kebab Street

Sour cream, mustard, thin strips of veal and poultry, mozzarella-cheddar, onions, minced steak, pepper

(It’s 2 blocks down from Sesame Street – you know, in the Eastern-European ghetto part of town)

Indiana

Tomato sauce, mozzarella-cheddar, curry sauce, slices of chicken, potatoes

(Somehow I’d like to think that Speed Rabbit Pizza made a deliberate, intelligent play on words with “India” and “Indiana” here, but on the other hand, I’ve seen the rest of their menu)

Spicy lovers

Tomato sauce, salsa, mozzarella-cheddar, spicy beef, spicy sausage, round slices of fresh tomatoes

(A pizza for people who like their romantic relationships “piquant”)

Chicken pepper

Tomato sauce, mozzarella-cheddar, slices of chicken, spicy sausage, pepper

(I decided that “chicken pepper” is a new type of pepper found in South America, named for its surprisingly mild taste)

Cooper Mountain

Tomato sauce, mozzarella-cheddar, cheese a raclette (a Swiss style of melted cheese served with boiled potatoes), potatoes, ham

(Where the hell is Cooper Mountain? And why do they eat special Swiss cheese there?)

Montana

Tomato sauce, mozzarella-cheddar, reblochon (a creamy Swiss cheese), potatoes, onions, chopped bacon

(I’m waiting for someone to explain why Montanans like a fancy-schmancy Swiss cheese on their pizzas with potatoes, onions, and bacon. Seriously, why do all of these American pizzas have potatoes on them?)

Farmer

Tomato sauce, mozzarella-cheddar, sour cream, mushrooms, onions, reblochon, chopped bacon

(Not farmer-style, farmer’s, farm pizza…just simply “farmer”)

(Also:)

Salade Cap Code

Lettuce, tomatoes, smoked salmon, black olives

(That is not a typo on my part. Part of me wonders if it was a typo on their part)

Salade Boston

Lettuce, tomatoes, potatoes, chopped bacon

(Because I can’t tell you how many salads I’ve had in Boston with bacon and potatoes)

Salade Denver

Lettuce, tomatoes, goat cheese, blue cheese

(If any of you know someone from Denver, could you please ask them if they like goat cheese and/or blue cheese? And in their salads? Thanks)

Word of the Day:

lardons

chopped bacon